Dear Susan: Three Weeks of Bachelorette Manipulation in One!

Dear Susan,

Yes, I’m about 3 weeks behind in my recaps and this is going to be a GIANT recap of the last three weeks because of that. But let’s be honest, this season has left much to be desired. The manipulation from the producers has been at an all time high and they’re not even trying to hide it this season and because of that, I haven’t felt even remotely invested in Kaitlyn’s “journey”. Part of the reason I’m having a hard time writing my recaps is that I just don’t care. The other part is that the whole show feels so much more manipulated than usual and I kind of don’t want to give into it. Anyway, here’s what’s gone down the last few weeks. (Also, no pictures because I’m super lazy)

WEEK 7

– We left off with Shawn going to confront Kaitlyn after not getting the date rose (or getting the private concert from the Cranberries because, let’s be honest, that’s what he should really be bummed about). Their conversation was a bunch of “how are you?” “but really, how are you?”, “what’s going on?”, “not much, what’s going on with you?” and was SO boring. And then he tells her that he’s confused because she told him he was “it” and she feels bad for saying that so early in the process because now she doesn’t really mean it. It was super boring.

– Then Kaitlyn goes on her two-on-one date with both JJ and Joe. She sends JJ packing (which she should have done AGES ago).

– Before the rose ceremony, Shawn goes to see Kaitlyn AGAIN and it is boring AGAIN. However, in this conversation, Kaitlyn tells Shawn that she thinks they need to take a step back from the intensity of their relationship before they can really move forward again. So at least something happens.

– Rose Ceremony “Winners”: Shawn, Nick, Joe, Jared, Ben H., Chris; Rose Ceremony “Losers”: Tanner & Ben Z. – I have to admit, I was kind of shocked that she sent Ben Z. home at this point. He’s been so open with her and I liked him. But we all knew he wasn’t going to make it all the way to the end so I guess cutting him loose sooner is better than later.

-She has a one-on-one with Jared as they road trip from Dublin to Killarney. They seem to get along really well, but the sexual chemistry just isn’t there. They seem to be better off as friends.

– The day after the Rose Ceremony, Chris Harrison goes to Kaitlyn for a “dad” conversation. We are at the point where the Bachelorette is deciding whose families she wants to meet so things are getting pretty serious. In Chris’ eyes (or rather, the producers’ eyes) it’s unfair to the rest of the guys that she has had “off-camera time” with Nick, so instead of narrowing the group down to 4 and going to their hometowns next week, she’s going to narrow the group down to 3 and go straight to the Fantasy Suite dates to even the playing field. It’s super super gross to me – the producers are basically saying if you sleep with one you should sleep with ’em all before you meet their families. However, if I were any of the guys getting cut, I would be relieved to get out without making my family go on camera.

-Her second one-on-one date is with Chris (the dentist). Chris has spent most of the season smiling blindly in the background and while I think Kaitlyn thinks he’s a nice guy, it’s no surprise when she cuts him before their date is over.

WEEK 8

– First Kaitlyn goes on a one-on-one with Ben H. He’s adorable. I think the only issue is that he’s only 26. And while Kaitlyn is only 29 and the age difference really isn’t that big of a deal, I wonder if he’s really at a place in his life where he’s ready to settle down and get married. At one point, while talking about the Fantasy Suite date, Ben says that he doesn’t want her to feel pressure to do anything while they’re in there; they can just talk. And this, of course, leads Kaitlyn to think that he’s possibly a virgin – which Ben very genially denies. That’s about it for the excitement on this date though. There are no roses on any of the dates this week, but Ben does not get sent home right away so that’s probably a good sign.

– Her group date this week was with Nick, Shawn and Joe. Let’s not beat around the bush. During her one-on-one time with Joe, he tells her he’s falling in love with her (or actually has fallen in love with her? I can’t really remember) and she dumps him then and there. He gets pissed (of course) and she basically wants him to be all sweet and nice about it and send her off with good wishes and he wants to stomp around like the Hulk “JOE MAD. JOE SMASH.”

-After sending Joe home, Kaitlyn wastes no time telling Nick that while she thinks he’s great and she loved their conversation, she needs to spend more time with Shawn so she sends Nick back to the hotel and takes Shawn for a drink. And don’t think for a minute that Shawn did not have the biggest shit-eating grin on his face as all of this went down. The dude is still referring to Nick as “the other guy” instead of his name during conversations and interviews. He’s starting to rival Nick in the “who can be the biggest creeper” competition.

-And here we are, who knows how many weeks since Kaitlyn and Nick slept together, and Kaitlyn has finally decided that it’s time to spill the beans to Shawn. She tells him that things went too far and while she doesn’t regret sleeping with Nick, she does regret not taking her other relationships into consideration. You can practically see the steam screaming out of Shawn’s ears. To his credit, he doesn’t storm away in a huff, but he doesn’t really stick around too long after this confession.

-So, the rose ceremony comes down to Nick, Shawn, Jared and Ben. Kaitlyn calls Shawn’s name first, but before he accepts the rose, he pulls her aside for a conversation about getting back on track. It seems like he’s going to refuse the rose – and I was TOTALLY wishing for that to happen because Shawn has really been getting on my nerves – but of course he doesn’t. Nick, Shawn & Ben get roses and invitations to the Fantasy Suite while Jared gets sent home.

-Nick gets the first Fantasy Suite date and they walk around a castle or something. I don’t know, they basically just continued to make out all over Ireland. Good thing it rains a lot there. Ireland is probably desperate for a shower after Kaityn and Nick have been gross all over it. At one point Kaitlyn tries to convince Nick that they’re going to stay the night in one of the dank castle rooms, but it doesn’t last long. I feel like Kaitlyn is one of those people who thinks that she’s soooooo good at practical jokes, but can’t pull them off because she’s so transparent.

-During their date, they spend an awful lot of time talking about Nick’s rivalry with Shawn. He brings up something about how Shawn was bragging to all of the guys about being “eskimo brothers” with a country music star. From what I can gather that means that they slept with the same girl in quick succession? Perhaps one right after another while the other watched? I really have no idea and no desire to clear up this particular confusion. As Kaitlyn said: Ew. But I still think it doesn’t bode well for Nick and Kaitlyn’s relationship if the only thing they really have to talk about is Shawn. We have heard very little talk this season about the real world and what that would look like for any of these couples. My hopes of a lasting relationship coming out of this season are pretty much nil.

-The next day Kaitlyn tries to convince us that all she and Nick did was talk all night which is total bullshit. If there’s one thing that Nick and Kaitlyn have together (and they really only have the one thing) it’s the inability to not touch each other for any period of time.

-After Nick gets back to his room, Shawn is told by the producers to barge/barges over to have a “talk” and the producers decided that was worthy of a cliffhanger ending. Just for the record, it was not.

WEEK 9

-So we pick up where we left off with Shawn basically yelling at Nick for being shady and Nick trying to hold onto his “eskimo brothers” story as his only defense. They spend a long time talking over one another and Shawn says that if Kaitlyn does pick Nick he’ll sleep just fine because he’ll know for sure they weren’t meant for each other. I’d think he’d sleep just fine knowing that he escaped a “lifetime” (AKA a few months) of Kaitlyn’s honking laugh.

-Kaitlyn goes on her second Fantasy Suite date with Ben. They feed goats or sheep or mini horses (some live animals were involved) and then have dinner. Kaitlyn talks about how relaxed she is around Ben and while they definitely don’t have the sexual chemistry of her other relationships, they seem to get along really well. Truthfully, Ben is like a breath of fresh air. He’s sweet and focused only on his relationship with Kaitlyn instead of trying to make the other guys look bad or bringing them up at all. But he’s also a bit dull. In other words, I’m pretty sure he’ll be the next Bachelor – they really like their cute, boring white boys over there.

-For her Fantasy Suite date with Shawn, she takes him golfing and there are shenanigans involving him getting naked and chasing her. Then they go to dinner and she confronts him about the whole “eskimo brothers” thing that Nick told her and Shawn comes back at her with all this stuff about how manipulative Nick is. Kaitlyn seems worried that Shawn might be a bit of a player, but decides that it’s better if they have the deeper conversation off-camera so we don’t get to see any of the good stuff (I mean, not the “stuff” stuff. No one wants to see that).

-When Shawn leaves his Fantasy Suite date, Nick is lurking around the corner to confront him this time. But Shawn controls the conversation once again and Nick can barely get a word in so nothing is accomplished. Ugh. I’m so over this crap. Nick claims that he didn’t know that Shawn was just coming from his Fantasy Suite date which I think is probably not true in the slightest, but the rivalry between the guys really has very little bearing on their relationships with Kaitlyn and is going a long way to ruining this season.

-Rose Ceremony: Obviously everyone was hoping that Kaitlyn would get rid of either Nick or Shawn so that we don’t have to deal with their back and forth bullshit anymore. But no such luck as Kaitlyn decides to send Ben home. Again, it feels like a producer manipulation because no way does Kaitlyn not know which guy she’s going to pick at the end at the point. No, it was never going to be Ben, which is probably why the producers made her keep the guys who are causing the most drama.

-Oy. This is the most painful part of this show because it involves innocent people who did not choose to be on this “journey” but are only collateral damage. It is time to meet the families!

-Instead of visiting Nick & Shawn’s hometowns, they all go to some resort in Utah and their families meet Kaitlyn there. It’s sterile, it’s not personal and it feels like an interview. There are no opportunities to see childhood photos or taste mom’s cooking or watch grandpa dance some traditional folk dance from a far off land. It’s a bunch of strangers, sitting in a hotel suite, trying (and failing) to pretend that this is all completely normal.

-Nowhere is my collateral damage theory more correct than in Nick’s family. Nick has a million brother’s & sisters including Bella who is like 10. They talk about how torn up Nick was the last time he was on the show and how rejected he felt by Andie and little Bella totally cries when they ask her about how sad he’s been. That is not a good sign that someone has moved on from his last heartbreak and is ready to commit. That is a sign that someone is trying to “win” in the hopes that the “winning” will heal him. His family are all pretty scarred from their last outing on The Bachelorette, but when they meet Kaitlyn and find out that it’s down to Nick and Shawn, they perk up a bit. Nick’s family are all very nice and Nick is obviously very loved by them, but they are also, rightfully, concerned about how Nick might deal with the possibility of rejection this time around. For his part, Nick is 100% convinced that Kaitlyn is totally in love with him and he has no doubts that he’s going to be walking away from this show a “winner”.

-Shawn’s family are also very nice and seem kind of normal (although how normal can your family be if you end up on this show?) but they also have a bit of weariness about them when it comes to the whole show. Shawn’s sisters are very protective of him and Kaitlyn wins them over somehow (I honestly don’t remember how), his father thinks he’s lost the plot, and they all think Kaitlyn is ok.

-Both Shawn and Nick tell Kaitlyn that they are in love with her and Kaitlyn spends the last five minutes of the episode crying over being so torn between two men.

Tonight: THE MEN TELL ALL!!! (Finally, a good use for all that gossiping the men do on this show). I promise to recap the final two episodes in a much more timely manner. With pics!

xoxo

D

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