Dear Susan: The Bachelorette is an exercise in patience

This is how I feel about the continued use of the B.S. non-rose ceremony episode endings.

This is how I feel about the continued use of the B.S. non-rose ceremony episode endings.

Dear Susan,

This blog is becoming a litany of complaints about cliffhanger endings because here we are again and not only are we recovering from last week’s cliffhanger waiting for Nick to arrive at the guys’ hotel suite, but we are left with ANOTHER effing cliffhanger and ANOTHER week without a rose ceremony. The cliffhanger ending is an editing trick designed to keep viewers coming back for more. Typically, it is used sparingly during a season, but not on The Bachelorette. So far this season, only ONE episode has ended without a cliffhanger – the second episode. And it’s becoming tedious. I don’t think it works for this franchise. It makes me angry and frustrated and leaves me very unsatisfied (just like every man I’ve ever encountered, natch).

"No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!"

“No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!”

Nick FINALLY made it to the hotel after what seemed like a year’s worth of elevator trips and hallways to walk down. The producers have set it up so all of Kaitlyn’s original dudes are on one side of the room and Nick is facing them all alone on the other. Tanner and Joshua are pretty aggressive about questioning Nick about his previous relationship with Kaitlyn and his intentions. There’s a big to-do about whether Kaitlyn is an “amazing woman” (per Joshua) or a “cool chick” (per Nick). Both phrases make me want to barf.

I really don't like JJ, but this moment was kind of a breath of fresh air after all the B.S. drama of Nick's arrival.

I really don’t like JJ, but this moment was kind of a breath of fresh air after all the B.S. drama of Nick’s arrival.

Eventually, everyone makes their way to City Field (where the Mets play baseball) for the rose ceremony and after a bit of a cocktail party (during which JJ, of the Clint love and terrible tattoo, picks Kaitlyn up and runs her around the bases on the field) Kaitlyn finally hands out her roses while the guys shivered as if they were standing naked in an ice field.

Jared – date rose

Justin – date rose

Chris “Cupcake” – date rose

Ben H.

Ben Z.

Shawn

Tanner

Joe

Ian

JJ

Joshua

Nick

The long trek to the pitcher's mound takes on a new meaning in this context.

The long trek to the pitcher’s mound takes on a new meaning in this context.

Going home this week: Corey (who?), Jonathan & Ryan. And I’m actually bummed we didn’t get to know Ryan or Jonathan better. They both seemed pretty cool.

Kaitlyn is FAR too excited to announce that the next stop on The Bachelorette Travelogue will be San Antonio, TX which is a place that you should only go to in a winnebago. This week there are 2 one-on-one dates and one (SUPER BIG) group date. But don’t get your hopes up. There is no rose ceremony at the end of the episode to give you closure.

Everything about this is so old-timey. I kind of dig it.

Everything about this is so old-timey. I kind of dig it.

One-On-One: Ben H.

Ben H. is effing adorable. He’s 26 and does something with software sales. He and Kaitlyn drive in a vintage truck to the oldest dance hall in Texas, Gruene (pronounced green) and are entered into a two-step contest after a quick lesson. Ben and Kaitlyn seem to get on pretty well and look ok out on the dance floor. They only make it to the second round, but this show is not about winning (yes it is). The nice thing about their date is that they don’t spend the entire time talking about Nick. After last week’s Nick-a-thon, it’s a breath of fresh air. During their dinner, Ben was pretty apprehensive about opening up about his past relationship and it seemed to be mostly because he was on camera (he kept looking over like it was going to bite him if he wasn’t open enough) which actually made me respect him a little. He was very specific about his word choice in describing what went wrong. Kaitlyn did a good job of encouraging him which led to a somewhat meaningful conversation that ended with him getting the date rose.

Ugh

Ugh

Group Date: Justin (who?), Jared, Ian, Chris, Tanner, Joe, Joshua, Ben Z., Nick, JJ

Ten guys is way too many for one group date. The first part of the date is the requisite dismantling of a cultural activity – this time the guys have to write a mariachi song and sing it in public (because if a group of deranged strangers aren’t there, it didn’t happen). It’s totally embarrassing for everyone involved. Ian puts a lot of pressure on himself to perform well because apparently he thinks he’s a great singer but of course he totally choked. I really liked Ian during the first few episodes, but he’s totally faded into the background and hasn’t spent any time with Kaitlyn – probably because she doesn’t think he has a sense of humor. Nick is pretty good at this crap because he is not afraid to make a fool out of himself. He takes it to the next level by dragging Kaitlyn up to a balcony and making a big show of serenading her terribly. The rest of the guys are still miffed about him even being on the show, but sort of have to give him credit for having the balls to just throw down on this group date. The best part of this whole mariachi disaster is the way that Nick talks about how pissed Joshua is that he’s on the show. Because it’s true. Joshua is PISSED.

Bet you're rethinking that whole "Woo her by letting her cut my hair" schtick aren't ya Joshua?

Bet you’re rethinking that whole “Woo her by letting her cut my hair” schtick aren’t ya Joshua?

During the cocktail portion of the date, Joshua allows Kaitlyn to give him a haircut (apparently she’s a hairdresser? I did not know that) but the buzzer dies out in the middle so one half of his head is a poor-man’s mohawk and the other half is still long. He looks totally deranged and the other guys completely lose their shit laughing when he walks in. I don’t know why he thought this would be a good idea, but I totally applaud the producer who set up the bad buzzer for the haircut.

Just do us all a favor and get rid of them both Kaitlyn.

Just do us all a favor and get rid of them both Kaitlyn.

The bad haircut seems to be the last straw for Joshua and he starts to really ratchet up his hatred of Nick. To Nick’s credit, he stays calm in the face of Joshua’s ranting, but he also comes off smarmy and gross so it’s not really a win for him either. In a one-on-one with Kaitlyn, Joshua makes the claim that none of the guys in the house like Nick or are comfortable having him there and she gets upset since no one else has mentioned they have a problem with Nick and she thought everyone was moving on. On top of blowing up everyone’s spot with Kaitlyn, when he gets back to the group, he lies and tells them he was in an interview with a producer. When Kaitlyn calls out the rest of the guys about what Joshua said, none of them back him up and are pissed at him for lying about where he was so he’s left hanging out to dry. It’s really uncomfortable and only gets worse when Kaitlyn gives the date rose to Nick.

Does this remind anyone else of The Little Mermaid's "Kiss the Girl" scene? No? Just me then.

Does this remind anyone else of The Little Mermaid’s “Kiss the Girl” scene? No? Just me then.

One-On-One: Shawn

FINALLY. After giving Shawn the first impression rose and having a couple of good conversations at cocktail parties, it seemed like Kaitlyn had sort of forgotten about this guy. I am really surprised it’s taken this long for him to get a one-on-one because they did seem to have a genuinely good connection early on. For their date, they go kayaking down the River Walk and then sit around a fire.

Fireworks are fun!

Fireworks are fun!

They both admit that they are in awe of how fast their relationship is developing and how deep their connection is already. The show spends an inordinate amount of time on the horrible car accident that Shawn had a few years ago as if telling Kaitlyn this is some sort of indication of depth. He gets teary, lets his guard down and even tells her he’s falling in love with her. Kaitlyn tells him she feels the same way which is pretty big talk for this early in the show. And then they row into the middle of water and watch a fireworks display. Just want to make sure you don’t get hit on the head with that anvil.

Rose Ceremony (HA!)

Dude, it's not that bad.

Dude, it’s not that bad.

UGH. So, remember when I mentioned earlier that Ian has sort of receded into the background since his great first impression? Yeah, he’s decided he’s had enough of that. He’s over Kaitlyn ignoring him because he’s such a catch (Princeton grad, former model, survived a near-death experience, traveled around the world a few times). After being all about Kaitlyn during the initial choice between her and Britt, Ian has done a 180 and decided that there’s something wrong with her since she’s not into him. Plus she’s not that interesting and, of course, he’s dated prettier girls (why do guys think that’s such an insult? I don’t care if you’ve dated prettier women if I no longer want to date you). He goes out of his way to insult Kaitlyn on his way out – calling her shallow, superficial and surface-level (THANK YOU CAPTAIN SYNONYM) – while also claiming to be a great option for the next Bachelor (which he would have been before this blaze out) but before we get Kaitlyn’s reaction to all of this, we get a dreaded TO BE CONTINUED. . .

I totally almost forgot to mention that this gem of a moment happened! Also, Jared told Kaitlyn he's falling in love with her - that's twice in 1 episode!

I totally almost forgot to mention that this gem of a moment happened! Also, Jared told Kaitlyn he’s falling in love with her – that’s twice in 1 episode!

LAME. Just give me the fucking rose ceremony and be done with it. I’m so sick of these “cliffhangers”. On top of that, the whole thing with Ian feels so forced, like a producer was sitting there feeding him these lines. It totally came out of nowhere and didn’t suit who he was portrayed to be and made me hate him and I really did like him. Have you heard of that new show on Lifetime, UnReal? It’s basically a show about the behind-the-scenes production of a fictional Bachelor-like reality show in which the producers starve and goad and plot and place bets on the women in contention for a dude who is sleeping with anything that moves and this 180 by Ian feels like something straight out of that show’s playbook. Also, check it out. It’s utterly entertaining and ridiculous.

xo

D

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