Dear Susan: Bringing in the Big Boys

Tee Hee

Tee Hee

Dear Susan,

The “to be continued” B.S. from last week is tied up in a nice bow pretty quickly. Kaitlyn confronts Kupah. He backs down because he’s embarrassed that she called him out. When she leaves he tries to play it off to the camera and protect his ego by doing the whole “I don’t even like her” “She must have Chlamidia” “I’ve been dissed by uglier girls” crap. But Kaitlyn is over it. NEXT.

One more of the sumo wrestlers because they were by far the best part of this episode.

One more of the sumo wrestlers because they were by far the best part of this episode.

Before handing out the roses, Kaitlyn brings all the guys together and lets them know that if they’re ever in a situation that makes them uncomfortable they should just speak up and let her know. This is going to become important later in the episode. And finally, Rose Ceremony The Second (TM Joshua) takes place. Here’s where we stand:

JJ – Date Rose

Clint – Date Rose

Ben Z. – Date Rose

Jared

Ben H.

Shawn

Jonathan

Tanner

Chris “Cupcake”

Ryan

Justin

Ian

Joshua

Joe

Corey

Tony (who describes himself thusly: “I see the world through the eyes of a child. I have the heart of a warrior and a gypsy soul.” This guy is such a douche.)

Before. . . .

Before. . . .

Group Date #1: Tony, JJ, Joe, Shawn, Chris & Clint

2 of the largest men on the planet tip toe into the house and wake all the guys up with a gong. Today’s group date will be Sumo wrestling. Another competitive, “manly” date that doesn’t turn out to be so much fun. The men get a mawashi (the official sumo uniform which is basically a thong-diaper made out of a flattened firehose) to put on and the pixelation involved is absolutely hysterical. However, this date is so incredibly weird.

After

After

The first part of the date happens out in front of the house with all of the guys who aren’t on the date standing around laughing and the second portion of the date involves an “exhibition” (i.e. fighting in front of like 20 weird strangers who are filmed to make it look like it’s actually 50 weird strangers) like on the boxing date and it’s stupid like on the boxing date.

Kaitlyn's thoughts: Dude. It's really hard to take you seriously with that much pixellation going on.

Kaitlyn’s thoughts: Dude. It’s really hard to take you seriously with that much pixellation going on.

After the actual sumo wrestlers demonstrate, they go up against our contestants. No one seems to have a problem with it until Tony. He starts off being all “you wanna see a fight? I’ll show you a fight” and he looks like he’s having fun in the ring but as soon as it’s over and he gets his ass handed to him by the actual sumo wrestler, he sulks away and starts whining about how he’s so peaceful and how this isn’t for him. Kaitlyn follows him out and he completely ignores her before complaining about having to show aggression on every date and she is sort of incredulous when she says “you didn’t have to do that”. Here’s the thing, he didn’t have to do it. She told him he didn’t have to do anything he didn’t want to do just the night before. He thinks that being on this show means you have to do everything the bachelorette sets up for them as a way of proving that they’re here for the right reasons and as a way to show her how much they want to be here. But Kaitlyn has made it clear that if they’re uncomfortable, they don’t have to do anything they don’t want to do. I just find his back and forth a little tiring. Then he says his trite “eye of the child, heart of a warrior, spirit of a gypsy” line which really turns me (and I think Kaitlyn too) off of him.

I was not lying about JJ's tattoo

I was not lying about JJ’s tattoo

JJ sees them talking and adds fuel to the fire by aggressively approaching them and interrupting their conversation. (Have I mentioned that JJ has the most monstrously ugly tattoo on his shoulder? IT. IS. SO. UGLY) A few of the other guys have to step in to drag JJ away and then pull Kaitlyn out of Tony’s weirdly aggressive orbit and then attempt to get Tony to calm the fuck down. Honestly, Tony is repressing a lot of aggression and it seems like maybe he is covering it all up with his whole peace & love vibe. He continues to insist that he wants to be here and he wants her to see the real him, but that’s all talk. Because if he was really here for her and really wanted her to get to know him then he would just cool his jets and let it go. He finally decides to leave despite being here for love. His parting words are “I’m not a quitter. I’m walking away on my terms” which sort of encompasses Tony’s whole dichotomy. He does make sure to say goodbye to Kaitlyn and she’s understanding, but her eyes say “don’t let the door hit you on the way out”.

At the group date cocktail party, Clint decides to play games and let Kaitlyn come to him which totally bites him in the ass. At one point she sits RIGHT next to him with the rest of the guys and he totally ignores her because he is, apparently, a total jerk. There is also a talking head during which Clint says he’s not feeling it with Kaitlyn, but is really into his friendship with some of the guys so he wants to stay and get to know them better. It’s the silliest thing I’ve ever seen. Who the fuck is this guy? He seemed super sweet last week on their one-on-one and all of a sudden we’re getting this completely different side. Shawn gets the date rose which is good because they seem to have a real connection and I really like him so I want him to get all the roses.

Lots of touchy-feely opportunities on this date.

Lots of touchy-feely opportunities on this date.

One-On-One: Ben Z.

They do this type of date every season. The “we’re in jeopardy” date. Usually it involves bungee jumping or something else high up, but Kaitlyn’s not afraid of heights. Girl is afraid of birds! (I’m with you sister. I’m not afraid of birds if I see them in nature, but I don’t want to be stuck in a room with a bunch of them. No thank you.) Ben Z. and Kaitlyn are both in the dark about what the date involves which is a little bit of a twist as usually at least the Bachelorette knows what’s going to happen. She didn’t even know that Ben Z. would be on the date with her and she calls him a “babe soda” which is adorable. They go to this thing called “The Basement: A Live Escape Experience” which is a room with bugs and birds and snakes and mummies and creepy noises and the dark that they have to search for clues in order to get the figure out the code to get out of the room. Kaitlyn is very screechy and freaked out by the birds so Ben Z stays strong and calm the entire time. They work together and figure out the clues and get out of the room just in time. Of course Ben gets the date rose. He was really supportive throughout the date and really opened up during their dinner. I agree with Kaitlyn. He’s a babe soda.

I'd be way more scared than the guys appear to be.

I’d be way more scared than the guys appear to be.

Group Date #2: Jonathan, Ben H., Jared, Ryan, Joshua, Tanner

Kaitlyn and the guys go to a school where the guys have to teach sex-ed to a group of kids. The kids look like they’re in 4th or 5th grade but we find out later that they’re actually actors which was a relief. This is not how kids should learn about sex ed. But while the guys were giving their lessons (which were based on staged questions like “what are the 4 bases” and “what’s a wet dream”) the producers bleeped out words like clitoris, penis? dick? (I couldn’t tell. Definitely some word about the male sexual organ), ejaculation, erection (at least I think those were the words. They were bleeped out after all). I don’t understand why those words are not acceptable for television. First of all, anyone who doesn’t understand what those words mean shouldn’t be watching this show anyway. Secondly, they are words. What harm can it possibly do to the audience of this show?

I hear ya, kid.

I hear ya, kid.

The date was actually pretty amusing although we never see the guys learn that the kids were actors so it’s sort of weird to bring it up at all. Joshua seemed to have the most difficult time with the lesson and we learn during the cocktail party that he didn’t have his first kiss til college and he’s never been in love. He’s really getting out of his box, but Kaitlyn is concerned that their relationship is moving too slow in comparison to her other connections. Kaitlyn takes Jared back to her room and they smooch and dance and I pray that his facial hair will get shaved off in his sleep. She sees him as being very manly which I kind of don’t get. Ben H. did a GREAT job of relating his lesson on reproduction to his relationship with Kaitlyn and also he’s super hot. Kaitlyn loves it and after a great one-on-one conversation (and smooching) during the cocktail party he gets the date rose.

Things heat up for Jj & Clint

Things heat up for Jj & Clint

Back at the house, JJ and Clint’s relationship has taken off. They’re chatting in the hot tub, Clint is serenading JJ on the couch, apparently they took a shower together. The rest of the guys feel like they’re way too into each other and not interested enough in Kaitlyn (which we know for a fact from stuff that Clint has said). Clint says “The possibility of coming on the Bachelorette and falling in love with a man never crossed my mind. But, I believe in the process and at this point, I’m a success story.” Look, if he’s in love with JJ that’s great for him but this whole perspective feels very manipulative by the producers and like they’re playing up an angle that doesn’t really exist. And maybe, Clint is playing them too because he knows that he’s not into Kaitlyn but he wants the camera time so he’s saying provocative stuff. Regardless, it feels icky.

At the rose ceremony cocktail party, Clint and JJ put on their biggest egos and are just huge assholes. Kaitlyn mentions that she’s heard about some friction in the house (did I mention that guys are the biggest gossips?) and right off the bat, Clint grabs her and puts on the moves and pretty much plays her. Basically we’re seeing the real Clint and he is a tool. “I was wearing my power socks so I felt like I had the power and I felt like I had to abuse it”. Yeah. He’s a fucking loser. JJ and Clint are talking about being villains and how the other guys are lemmings who are walking off the cliff because they’re being chased. And it’s just vomit inducing. I really want you to watch JJ & Clint’s talking heads to see what total ASSHOLES these guys are. One after another, each of the other guys calls out JJ and Clint and Kaitlyn is getting angrier and angrier about them and confronts him. She even calls him one of the biggest douches in Bachelor history.

There was no Rose Ceremony this week. We leave them waiting to find out how she’ll deal with the whole Clint/JJ situation. The previews for the next episode all seem to be about JJ and Clint getting in a fight and JJ crying. I do not feel badly for either of them.

xo

d

 

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