Dear Susan: The Bachelorette, Brawls & Bragging

Kaitlyn's Men.

Kaitlyn’s Men.

Dear Susan.

The first three or so episodes of any Bachelor or Bachelorette season are always a bit overwhelming. There are too many guys who we know are going to be weeded out before we learn anything about them, the Bachelorette is trying to be nice to everyone, and the group dates are just torturous. This season doesn’t look to be too different (although we’re already seeing a spunk in Kaitlyn that other Bachelorettes have not possessed).

Are you gonna be my girl?

Are you gonna be my girl?

Before we get into Kaitlyn’s journey, let’s wrap up Britt’s. As you’ll recall last week Brady got the producers to drive him to Britt’s hotel room and was just about to knock on her door. She opened it, acted surprised, they dated for a week and then he asked her to be “his girl”. And now they’re in love. Done. (I don’t know why the producers don’t just do that for every season of this show. There’s clearly no need for 8 weeks of bullshit.)

Back to Kaitlyn.

Date #1: Daniel, Justin, Jared, Corey, Tanner, Kupah, Ben H., Ben Z.

The first group date season is boxing lessons with Laila Ali (Big Star #1) followed by a sparring match. This is maybe the worst idea in the history of this show. I imagine the conversation about this date went as follows:

Producer 1: Let’s make them take boxing lessons and then fight each other.

Producer 2: Do you really think that’s a good idea? Putting a bunch of roided up assholes already competing for one women in a boxing match? Aren’t you worried that someone will actually get physically hurt?

Producer 1: That’s the whole point! THINK OF THE DRAMMMMMMAAAAA!

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Bachelorette2015_Ep3_BenZ_Jared_boxing

Oooh. Sexy (/sarcasm)

The guys seem to be into the training portion of the date and are taking their chance to chat up Kaitlyn in between exercises. Except for Kupah. Kaitlyn says she even forgot he was on the date (LOL). When they get into the sparring portion of the date the whole mood changes. It seems really rushed and chaotic. In the end, Ben Z. beat Jared (AKA “Loveman”) for the title of lame-ass Bachelorette champion, but in the process he hit Jared in the nose so hard that the dude had to go to the hospital to be checked out. Lovely.

I just cannot imagine how seeing this look on my date's face would be a good feeling.

I just cannot imagine how seeing this look on my date’s face would be a good feeling.

During the cocktail party we learn a bit more about these gentlemen: Ben Z. has a dead mom. Justin has a 4-year-old son named AURELIUS (that’s a lot of name for one little person). Corey looks super old. The rest of the guys just sort of disappear into the background. While talking to Daniel (who?) Kaitlyn is handed a mysterious note which says “Come downstairs. Right now. I need to see you.” and turns out to be from Jared who isn’t allowed to go into the cocktail party for “medical” reasons (LOL). They go for a walk and then Jared kisses her. Kaitlyn says she’s into it, but her body seems to say something else. The first group date rose goes to Ben Z. because Kaitlyn says he makes her feel like herself. She also makes the first move and gives him a kiss.

You jump, I jump Jack.

You jump, I jump Jack.

Date #2: One-On-One with Clint

I was a little bit surprised that the first one-on-one date went to Clint. . . UNTIL I remembered that he gave Kaitlyn a drawing he did of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops and then I understood everything. On their date they took some “romantic” underwater photos.

Nothing like having your first kiss underwater and photographed.

Nothing like having your first kiss underwater and photographed.

 

Clint and Kaitlyn have their first kiss underwater and during their dinner she tells him that she’s looking for a best friend whom she has a romantic connection with and that she’s “stoked” on him before giving him the date rose. I have to admit, Clint has sort of come out of left field. I don’t mind him yet though.

In the meantime we get Tony’s treatise on love which basically boils down to a lot of mumbo jumbo that is really not well-suited for this show. But I couldn’t help myself. Here’s what he said word-for-word:

The foundation that I wanna establish my forever on does not start with me beatin’ your ass. It’s always a competitions but it should never lead to actual fisticuffs. You should never have to fight for attention. Love is selfless & love is given. It’s not something that you fight for. Love is about being present. Love is about connection. Love is about discussion. Love is about possibilities and ideas and dreams. Love is as perennial as the grass. I got a lot of love in my heart, bro.

That dude is not long for this show.

Amy Schumer is not impressed.

Amy Schumer is not impressed.

Date #3: Group date with JJ, Jonathan, Joshua, Chris, Ian, Joe and Tony

They go to the Improv to do some standup comedy with the support of Amy Schumer (Big Star #2), Nikki Glaser, Bridget Everett, and Rachel Feinstein. The last time they did this kind of date on The Bachelorette was during Ashley’s season and it was a disaster. A bunch of the guys on her date took the opportunity to make fun of her whereas this time around, the guys poked more fun at each other and the process (personally, I think having female comics as a support was the biggest difference). Best line of the night goes to Amy about the (supremely) overconfident JJ: “JJ’s a sweetheart. He’s just missing, like, charisma and humility and a sense of humor. . . but other than that he’s like basically you should hire him as the next Bachelor. Maybe when he sees the show he’ll reflect a little bit about himself and not be such a turd.”

JJ is turning out to be the worst.

JJ is turning out to be the worst.

The guys aren’t HORRIBLE at the stand up, but none of them have a future in it. Especially Tony who got up there and pontificated for ten minutes without saying one funny thing. During the cocktail party, Tony announces to the guys “I’m not here for her. I’m here for us.” which. . .BARF. JJ thinks extremely highly of himself and was convinced that he was going to get the date rose. He solidifies this by telling Kaitlyn about his 3-year-old daughter (for the record that makes 3 guys with kids so far. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Just an observation) and making out with her. It sucks that she bought into his bullshit, but she did give him the group date rose. She also made out with Joe who ends their kissing by saying “Well I’ll be” as if he’s on Hee Haw or something.

Rose Ceremony:

Before Kaitlyn and the guys can even complete their toast to the rose ceremony, JJ swoops in and grabs her despite already having a rose. This is never a good move in the eyes of the other men vying for the heart of the bachelorette and the guys are not shy about expressing their hatred towards him. He sums himself up thusly: “Smugness inside of confidence inside of cockiness” so he’s a real winner. Ian and Kaitlyn have a nice moment where he tells her about a bad car accident he was in and he goes in for the kiss. While inside, JJ is prodding and poking at Tony who becomes increasingly agitated (not his strong suit) and JJ just laughs at him (because JJ’s a dick).

This conversation did not go as Kupah planned.

This conversation did not go as Kupah planned.

Then we get to the interesting part of the entire episode. Kupah pulls Kaitlyn aside for their one-on-one time and they have an honest, if somewhat aggressive, conversation about their connection (in Kaitlyn’s eyes) or lack thereof (in Kupah’s eyes). Kupah basically comes out and points at the elephant in The Bachelorette franchise and says he doesn’t want to be get a rose just to be the “token” black guy. Look, it needed to be said, but Kupah didn’t have to be an ass about it. He digs himself deeper and deeper into a hole talking about how he didn’t really feel a connection with her until this conversation while she counters with the fact that she actually felt a connection with him before, but isn’t really feeling it anymore. She finally says she needs some time to think about whether she wants to give it another shot.

This kind of gossiping never leads anywhere good.

This kind of gossiping never leads anywhere good.

Remember last week when I pointed out that the men of The Bachelorette are FAR more gossipy than the women of The Bachelor? Case in point right here. Immediately after ending his conversation with Kaitlyn, Kupah reports back to the guys virtually word-for-word what was said which Kaitlyn, of course, overhears. This is the last straw for her and she walks him outside to send him home. He tries to get her to change her mind by continuously telling her that she’s hot which she does not seem impressed by. She stands by her (very smart) decision and leaves him to his final interview. While talking to the producers about the situation, we can see/hear Kupah in the background yelling at other members of the production team during his wrap up and getting more and more aggressive with them. Kaitlyn walks outside and we’re left with a TO BE CONTINUED. . . (ALREADY!) (Like this show needs more time filler)

Bachelorette2015_Ep3No rose ceremony yet, but I can report that tonight we saw Kaitlyn kiss 6 men in addition to the 2 last week (Chris the dentist, who the show is charmingly referring to as “cupcake” and Shawn B., receiver of the first impression rose)

So far, I’m impressed with Kaitlyn. At some point, I’m going to have to talk about the “slut-shaming” that happened on the internet last week after the previews revealed that she eventually sleeps with one of the guys BEFORE the fantasy suite (horror of horrors!) but I think the whole “scandal” feels really forced and stupid and I kind of don’t want to contribute to it.

Until next week.

xoxo

D

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