Dear Susan: The Bachelorette, our national nightmare, begins again

Dear Susan,

Ok, the title of this post is a bit misleading. Technically, The Bachelorette doesn’t begin until Monday, but I wanted to give you a little primer and make sure you had sufficiently prepared yourself for the next 8-10 weeks of the most. Dramatic. Season. Ever.

Here’s how ABC describes the “unorthodox” first episode shenanigans:

The two stunning women will stand side by side as the limos roll up and 25 handsome men try their best to leave a lasting impression, but in a shocking twist, they’ll also be casting their votes to determine which one of these lovely ladies they will all be competing for over the course of the season.

I hate this so much. This is not completely unprecedented – they did something similar on a season of The Bachelor eons ago before they started cannibalizing previous seasons for contestants, but I didn’t watch that season. I just think it’s so stupid and I think that both Kaitlyn and Britt (but mostly Kaitlyn) deserve better.

As a refresher, here are the lucky ladies vying to actually be The Bachelorette this season.

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On the left we have Kaitlyn. Charming, funny, seemingly down-to-earth and normal (probably because she’s actually from Canada), beautiful Kaitlyn. I really liked watching Kaitlyn last season on The Bachelor (for some reason I keep adding an “e” at the end of this word. It’s like I miss Juan Pablo or something) but was glad that Chris let her go. She’s really lovely, but seems like she has a ways to go on the “finding herself” path. I think that might make it hard for her to find a lasting relationship on The Bachelorette. You know, the whole “you have to love yourself before you can be loved by others” or something to that effect. But still, I’d much rather watch a whole season of Kaitlyn trying to find herself than what the girl on the right has to offer.

On the right is Britt. As far as I’m concerned, the less said about Britt the better. I’m sure she’s a lovely person to those she is friends with, but on TV she is more drama than a bag of ducks (I don’t know why, but I’m pretty sure a lot of drama goes down in a bag of ducks) and it’s tedious. Kaitlyn came off as sincere and sweet in her pursuit of Farmer Chris last season whereas Britt came off as needy, clingy and desperate. And also like a sore loser. Part of me was surprised she agreed to do the show when there’s a chance that she could lose out to someone else again because girl needs to be the focus of attention 100% of the time. The other part of me isn’t surprised in the slightest because she’ll also take any tiny bit of attention that she can get.

Here’s a look at some of the guys trying to win one of these lucky ladies’ hearts (I’m pretty sure the grammar on that last part is atrocious, but that’s what I get for going to public school) (Also, my favorite thing about this gallery on ABC.com is that it lists each guy’s name and then “bachelor” underneath. In case we were confused):

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Important Stats about this group of 25 Men:

Oldest is 35. Youngest is 25. (I’ll remind you that Kaitlyn is 29 and Britt is 28. So they’re actually a good age to be getting into their lifelong relationship with one of these fellas)

Pretty sure the only reason Shawn E. was cast is because he is from Canada and listed his occupation as “Amateur Sex Coach”. What does that even mean? Can you become a professional sex coach? Is that like in Ice Skating where if you go pro you can no longer compete in the Olympics? Why would someone want to list that as their profession? It basically makes him sound like a professional porn voyeur. I would write him off immediately. If that guy makes it past the first round of cuts I will be SHOCKED.

Ryan B. is my boo.

I’m not sure why so many of the guys (ok, only 3, but that seems like a lot) are from Nashville. There are also 3 guys from Missouri. That’s just strange to me.

“Automotive Spokesman” (AKA Jonathan) is basically a fancy way of saying car model right? He’s one of those models that stands by cars at auto shows? That’s what it says to me at least.

Actually, “Automotive” comes up a few times in job descriptions – probably because Britt is from Detroit. Where they make cars. Obviously.

JJ describes himself as a “Former Investment Banker” this means 1 of 2 things: he got REALLY REALLY rich and got out before the game got him down or he went to white collar prison. Either way it’s a pretty way of saying “I’m unemployed”. (Also, his online interview throws up some MAJOR red flags)

Corey describes The Dalai Lama as “an enlightened cat” which makes me like him.

Cory (no e)’s Biggest date fear? “Finding out my date’s really a dude” which makes me hate him.

I don’t believe for 1 second that Josh is an exotic dancer, but I have a feeling we’re going to hear some sort of sob story about how he has to strip in order to pay his way through law school and then we’re going to laugh and laugh.

I bet Ryan M., the Junkyard Specialist, has some pretty great stories.

I worry that the inclusion of singer/songwriter Brady will lead to a repeat of this dude:

(In case you didn’t watch Jillian’s season of The Bachelorette, that dude sang that song approximately 8.3 million times. And then went on to play it an additional 4 million times on Bachelor Pad.)

Nominees for “WHO?” (i.e. the guys that end up sticking around for weeks and weeks without any dates or screen time): Jared, David, Shawn B.

Are you ready? I don’t think you’re ready. But you only have to wait a few days until it all begins! Also, next week there’s an episode Monday AND Tuesday (because the producers of this show hate me with the fire of 1000 dragons) so no Dear Susan til Wednesday.

xoxo

D

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