Dear Susan: The Bachelor National Nightmare is Over

Dear Susan,

This photo represents the utter lack of excitement during this season of The Bachelor.

This photo represents the utter lack of excitement during this season of The Bachelor.

Last week was the “Women Tell All” special. I didn’t recap it for you because a) the women did not tell all – they mostly spent their time crying, complaining about what someone else said, and accepting apologies – which means that it was also b) BORING. I cannot thing of one thing that I would tell you about it so we’ll just move on to last night’s 3 hour finale extravaganza.

Not even all the kissing can make me think this season was interesting.

Not even all the kissing can make me think this season was interesting.

Despite how boring this season has been, I found myself really into last night’s episode. I’ll tell you one thing, The Bachelor editors are pretty good at their jobs. They made Becca, the most on-the-fence person to ever be on this show, seem riveting. However, as I go through my notes, I am realizing that once again, this season with Farmer Chris was just incredibly boring.

Whitney meets the fam. Cute kids, but BO-RING

Whitney meets the fam. Cute kids, but BO-RING

I could tell you about Whitney’s introduction to Chris’ family – she finally got to see Arlington in person and visited their farm and was introduced to a bunch of siblings, their spouses and their children as well as his parents – but that’s pretty much the extent of it. His family loved her from the start and she has such a deep yearning for a family to call her own that she fit right in. She did drive home pretty hard how much she loves Chris – not just “falling in love” but “in love” – so that at least gave his family some security.

Chris, his dad and his brothers-in-law stand around and talk about how the women's feelings don't really matter.

Chris, his dad and his brothers-in-law stand around and talk about how the women’s feelings don’t really matter.

In between Whitney’s home visit and Becca’s Chris tried to prepare his family for Becca, but he really didn’t do a very good job. His family was totally enamored with Whitney and saw just how deep she was in their relationship so to have Chris tell him that the other woman was not quite there yet was unsettling for them I think. When he’s telling them about his feelings for Becca and Whitney, what he describes sounds very much like the difference between the mystery/chase that Becca presents and the sure thing that Whitney presents. HIs family seem (rightfully) concerned about his predicament.

It's all fun and games til someone can't decide if she's really in love.

It’s all fun and games til someone can’t decide if she’s really in love.

Becca’s visit with Chris’ family is a big more fraught. She is completely up front with them that she’s not willing to move to Arlington until she’s 100% sure of her relationship with Chris and she’s just not there yet. I applaud her honesty, but this is not a show to find your next boyfriend. This is a show to find your husband/wife. She should have been more aware of that before even coming on the show. She does seem torn up about the fact that she’s just not sure if what she feels is love or just a very strong like for Chris. My favorite line of this whole episode, maybe this whole series, is when Chris says “I know what I feel and that’s more important to me than what she’s saying.” There is just so much to unpack in that sentence.

This does not seem like a fun way to spend a day.

This does not seem like a fun way to spend a day.

I know that he probably didn’t mean it to sound as dismissive of Becca’s feelings as it does, but that’s really no excuse. What he’s basically saying is that what he feels is all that matters. He really ants her to love him and she really doesn’t. Maybe if they had a year to build a relationship, but they don’t. They have a couple of days. Even Chris’ mom implies that if Becca is able to get there before he has to choose, then it will be her. But man, that girl was SO not ready for any of this. She looks so scared throughout this entire visit. She’s not ready to commit, but she’s also not ready to let him go.

This is literally the most passionate that Chris and Becca got while talking about whether they were in love or not.

This is literally the most passionate that Chris and Becca got while talking about whether they were in love or not.

We then get to watch Chris’ last dates with both Whitney & Becca. Becca goes first and it looks like he just goes to her hotel room and tries to convince her to love him for like an hour because that’s all they show. The conversation just doesn’t go well. They don’t laugh. They barely smile. It’s like they’re forcing each other to be vulnerable (or rather he is forcing her to really open up) and it’s just uncomfortable. It’s honest, and I applaud them for that, but it is not romantic. I’ve never seen anyone on this show who seemed less emotionally ready to fall in love.

Somehow I think this is probably the first and last time Whitney helps with this kind of farming task.

Somehow I think this is probably the first and last time Whitney helps with this kind of farming task.

Whitney’s last date before the final rose is infinitely more romantic and less heavy. She visits the farm and rides in the corn farming thing-y. Chris seems so much more relaxed and easily affectionate with Whitney. I will also say, that he doesn’t really say so much around Whitney. She definitely does more of the talking, but that could also be because she is nervous. Chris goes to her hotel room that night for more conversation and while he still seems more relaxed with Whitney, he says that he’s waiting for his aha! moment to tell him who to pick. Whitney is totally vulnerable with him and he seems to reciprocate those feelings but also seems to feel hampered by the cameras as to what he can and can’t actually say out loud.

Who WILL Chris choose?

Who WILL Chris choose?

The big moment is here. The final rose. Who will it be: Whitney or Becca? Will Chris pull a Kelly Taylor and choose himself? Will his family’s barn burn down because it has been art directed within an inch of its life and there are a million candles lit in a BARN? We are about to find out.

This was the best shot of Becca's dress I could get. It's red velvet with sleeves. Very Iowa appropriate.

This was the best shot of Becca’s dress I could get. It’s red velvet with sleeves. Very Iowa appropriate.

The editors have made it seem like Chris is still extremely torn about who he’s going to choose even as the first limo pulls up and Becca steps out. We all know that the first limo holds the “loser” and I honestly wasn’t surprised that Becca was in that first limo. Girl is NOT ready to be in a serious relationship. Or if she is, she needs it to slow down to a freaking crawl and that’s just not what this show is about. Chris is so sincere and well-spoken when telling her good-bye. I think it’s the most well-spoken that we’ve seen him be all season. He says that as much as he can see a future with her, she’s not ready for that and therefore he can’t be ready for that with her. This is definitely one of the easier break-ups we’ve seen on the show. Probably because while she liked him, she wasn’t all in so while she’s hurt, she’s not, like, devastated.

Whitney's dress was really really pretty guys.

Whitney’s dress was really really pretty guys.

Whitney is definitely shaking with nerves as her limo drops her off at the barn, but she also looks very pretty (I actually liked the understatement of both women’s dresses. That’s pretty unusual at this point). She, of course, talks for like 2 minutes about how much she loves him and how she can’t wait to build a life and family with him and it’s really sweet but damn, girl, let a guy get a word in edgewise. When Chris finally does talk, it takes him a minute to spit it out but in the end he tells her that he loves her and gets down on one knee to propose. My mom got teary. I think that they make a really good match and I think that they may add to the number of successful Bachelor franchise couples. I hope they do, because lord knows how Chris is going to meet anyone else willing to drop their life and move to Arlington.

No joke. They were super happy about his decision.

No joke. They were super happy about his decision.

I want to tell you about After The Final Rose too. But the only thing that’s important is the announcement of the new Bachelorette. The Chris/Whitney/Becca stuff is civil and sweet and totally boring (surprise!). The best part of this segment was getting to see Chris’ parents reaction to finding out that he’d chosen Whitney. They were beyond ecstatic and totally adorable. I think Whitney will be a great addition to that family.

This angers me to my core. (They were very sparkly, but Kaitlyn's face pretty much says it all)

This angers me to my core. (They were very sparkly, but Kaitlyn’s face pretty much says it all)

Going into tonight, I was pretty sure that Kaitlyn was going to be made the next Bachelorette and I wasn’t wrong. Well, not completely. According to Chris Harrison, the producers and “Bachelor Nation” (which is what they call their fans – barf) were split on who they wanted to be the next Bachelorette. (The audience was not so split – when he asked them to cheer for their choice they basically booed when Britt’s name was brought up and went wild for Kaitlyn which was awesome because Britt is the worst.) So in order to overcome this “split”, the producers have decided to have both Kaitlyn and Britt be the bachelorette this season. I have no idea what this means, but it sounds extremely petty and catty and like they are going to pit the women against each other and like they are going to perpetuate a million ideas about how women can’t be friends or supportive of each other when it comes to romance and it makes me want to hurl. I find it so incredibly demeaning for some reason. Am I wrong? Doesn’t it sound horrible? Or am I just reacting to the fact that Britt is going to be back on TV, getting exactly what she wanted from the beginning? All I know is that I’m pissed. I don’t even understand how it’s going to work, but it totally pisses me off. According to Chris Harrison: “The 25 men on night one are going to have the ultimate say about who they think will make the best wife.” (Also, I looked it up, and apparently the show has tried something like this before: In the Season 6 premiere of The Bachelor, the female contestants chose between two rose-giving suitors, Byron and Jay. This does not lessen my revulsion.)

And they're in love!

And they’re in love!

So, I guess that’s it for the most boring season of The Bachelor. I hope that Chris and Whitney are happy because I think that they actually have the ability to be really good for one another. And I hope that the men of The Bachelorette aren’t stupid idiots and don’t make me sit through a whole season of Britt slobbering all over everyone.

Until May my darling.

xo

D

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