Dear Susan: That’s a Whole Lot of Bachelor

Dear Susan,

Totally natural setting for two bros talking.

Totally natural setting for two bros talking.

Look, you know I like The Bachelor as much as the next girl, but 3 hours on Sunday and 2 hours last night is just TOO MUCH Bachelor. I’m not even going to bother telling you about the first hour of Sunday’s episode entitled “Chris Tells All” because Chris did not, in fact, tell all. Chris did not really say anything except rehashing what we already knew (except that he alluded to the fact that Ashley S. may have been faking her crazy because she didn’t want to be on the show anymore). We revisited Kelsey who continued to be arrogant, obtuse and totally off-her-rocker-nuts and then we caught up with the last Bachelorette, Andi Dorfman, who recently called off her engagement to her pick from the show, Josh. She says they broke up because they were too intense and similar, I have a sneaking suspicion there’s more to the story and it involves Josh cheating on her, but that’s just cause I think he’s a slimeball. (Ok, so maybe I did recap “Chris Tells All” a little)

Onto the meat and potatoes of this week’s 5 hour marathon of tears, roses, and exotic Iowan locales!

Chris says goodbye to Megan

Chris says goodbye to Megan

Picking up where we left off last week, Chris has given date roses to Becca (who had a one-on-one) and Britt (who got to go on stage with Big & Rich and caused huge tension when she returned to the group date cocktail party) and then sent Kelsey and Ashley I. home from the middle of nowhere (AKA the Badlands). So we are supposed to get another rose ceremony, however, during the cocktail party, Megan (the one who thought that New Mexico was in another country) asks Chris point blank how he feels about their relationship and, to his credit, he tells her that he doesn’t see a future with her in the same way he does with some of the other women. They part ways amicably and without drama. It’s a freaking miracle of maturity on this show.

No one should be this excited to go to Iowa.

No one should be this excited to go to Iowa.

At this point Chris Harrison (who really hasn’t been around much this season. Where ya been Chris?) tells the remaining ladies that there will still be a rose ceremony and someone else will be sent home. But here’s the thing, they were already down to 7 when Megan left so that leaves’ them with 6. I feel like that’s the normal place to be at this stage in the show so it’s no surprise that when Farmer Chris asks to keep the rest of the women for the next week, he’s allowed. Chris then tells the ladies that they’ll all be going to Iowa with him and they cheer as if he’s told them they’ve just won a 5-star first class vacation to Fiji where they’ll get to stay in one of those huts on the water and watch fish from their bedrooms (Or is that just my fantasy?). Look, I get being excited to see where your “boyfriend” grew up, but my god, you’d think they’d won the freaking lottery. It’s just Iowa ladies. It’ll be there when the show’s over too.

This was pretty much the look on Jade's face for her whole date to Chris' farm and hometown.

This was pretty much the look on Jade’s face for her whole date to Chris’ farm and hometown.

Date #1: Jade

Jade is the first person to get a 2nd one-on-one date. All of the ladies are extremely jealous not only because of that, but because she is going to Arlington to see Chris’ house and farm and get a taste of what life with him will really be like. Poor Chris is so insecure about where he lives. He seems really passionate about being a farmer, but man, is he worried that the ladies will take one look at Arlington (population: 400) and run in the other direction. To be fair, he’s probably right to be concerned. Jade is from a small town and even she seemed shocked by how small and empty and all-around sad Arlington is. None of the businesses are open and there are no people for miles and it’s a 3 hour drive from Des Moines. It sounds like hell to me.

I suppose it's good to be well rounded.

I suppose it’s good to be well rounded.

They go to a high school football game and Chris introduces her to his mom and dad but the most important thing is that this school has so few students that the football players also play in the band – in all of their pads and stuff. It’s amazing. Jade hints that she was a bit of a rebel in high school, but doesn’t really elaborate (oh, but she will!). Chris seems pretty adorable with Jade, if I’m being honest. He also looks far more comfortable hanging out in Arlington while there are people around.

This is their mural. It looks nothing like them, but since I still one of the greatest romantic gestures of all time was when Pacey bought Joey a wall on Dawson's creek, I'll allow it.

This is their mural. It looks nothing like them, but since I still one of the greatest romantic gestures of all time was when Pacey bought Joey a wall on Dawson’s creek, I’ll allow it.

Date #2: Whitney

I like Whitney, I really do. I think she’s sweet and bubbly and age-appropriate for Chris. But this date is just the MOST boring. They walk around Des Moines taking pictures and then go to dinner (where, for some reason, the producers have apparently paid normal people to act like paparazzi and take pictures of Whitney and Chris as they enter the restaurant). Chris introduces her to 3 of his best friends and she is over-the-top excited about this development. She also finally shares her “Bachelor approved sad story” about how her mom passed away when she was 20 and she doesn’t have a relationship with her father so she really wants to marry someone so she can have parents again. Then they go outside where “Chris” has had an artist turn one of their photos into a weird mural and she declares this the best day of her life.

The ladies are very excited for this "road trip" to Arlington BEFORE they see it.

The ladies are very excited for this “road trip” to Arlington BEFORE they see it.

Meanwhile, Jade has gone back to the hotel and told all of the other women about how sad and truly tiny life in Arlington is. Carly suggests that they take this opportunity to “road trip” to Arlington and see it for themselves. I think that’s actually a really good idea. They are pretty speechless once they arrive which is appropriate. These women live in pretty big cities for the most part and I think they thought that Iowa = Des Moines where they had been staying.

They are not as enthusiastic AFTER they see Arlington.

They are not as enthusiastic AFTER they see Arlington.

But for Chris, Iowa = Arlington and that ain’t the same thing. Britt is by far the most taken aback by how small it is and definitely says she can’t really see herself living there, but when they get back to the hotel she starts waxing poetic about the sunset and the open spaces and it’s just a whole lot of crap.

Sidenote: In between her one-on-one and the road trip, Jade tells Carly her big secret: she posed for Playboy and now she’s nervous about telling Chris. dun Dun DUUUUUUUNNNNN!

Chris is a horrible ice skater.

Chris is a horrible ice skater.

Date #3: Britt, Carly & Kaitlyn

It’s the final group date of the season! This is also the only date with a rose this week which is a pretty big deal because the next week is hometown dates so getting a rose on this group date is a pretty big confirmation of his interest. They go ice skating and it’s lame. Britt lies to Chris about how much she loved Arlington and you can hear the strain in her voice as she tries to come up with nice things to say about it. But of course, Chris is only thinking with one part of his body, so as soon as they start getting kissy Chris starts talking about how he can see himself marrying her.

Britt when she thinks she's getting the date rose.

Britt when she thinks she’s getting the date rose.

Thankfully, Carly uses her time to wake Chris up to Britt’s phoniness and tells him that, contrary to what Britt just told him, she told the girls she could never see herself living in Iowa. At the cocktail party, Chris (subtly) brings up this concern to Britt and she talks about wanting to “try out” this new lifestyle which is a really weird thing to say – if you’re thinking about marrying someone, specifically Chris, this is not a “try out” kind of situation. This is a forever-life. Britt thinks that she has this thing in the bag, but Chris gives he date rose to Kaitlyn.

Show us how you really feel Britt.

Show us how you really feel Britt.

Oh man, things get sooooo good at this point. So, Chris and Kaitlyn walk back to the little set up where Carly and Britt are sitting and Britt looks at them as if she can shoot lasers from her eyes (much in the same way that the girls looked at her on the Big & Rich group date). She COMPLETELY freaks out about how she wants to be number one to her future husband and he shouldn’t be giving roses to other women if he wants to meet her family and he suggests that maybe this isn’t the right situation for her if she needs that kind of validation in order to introduce him to her family because he’s given the rose to someone else. In the talking heads, Carly is pretty evil in her enjoyment of Britt’s meltdown, but I gotta say, I enjoyed it as well.

So much awkward

So much awkward

Britt seems like one of those women who has had a lot of good things happen to her because of her looks and Chris definitely played into that on this show. She got a lot of roses and private time with him and they seemed to have a very strong physical connection. But as soon as things started to get real, she became aware that maybe his emotional connection with some of the other women was deeper than with her and she got pouty when things didn’t go her way so easily. She’s so clearly “not here for the right reasons”. It was amazing.

This post is long enough. Stay tuned for a recap of Monday’s episode in a few minutes.




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