Dear Susan: The Bachelor gets CRAY

Dear Susan,

This season of The Bachelor seems to be vying for the title of craziest women. While there are a handful of ladies who seem moderately appropriate for Farmer Chris, for the most part, they are all coming off as completely insane. While Ashley S. (she of the crazy eyes and garbled speech) left last week with barely a peep, I don’t think we’re going to be so lucky with the remanning weirdos.

Oh Megan. You are a treasure.

Oh Megan. You are a treasure.

On Monday night we entered the travelogue portion of the show. My mom loves this part of the season because she gets to vicariously visit a whole bunch of places without having to pay for it. Bachelor Chris loves this part of the season because he finally knows exactly what to say: “[Insert Place] really feels like the perfect place to fall in love”. No joke, if you look back at every season where they traveled, this line gets said at least a few times about a few different places. The first stop on The Bachelor world tour is Santa Fe, New Mexico. I love New Mexico. I’ve only been there once for a commercial shoot but it was gorgeous in a way I’d never experienced before. The best part of the fact that they are in New Mexico is that we get to see how truly stupid Megan is: she’s very excited that they’re leaving the country (yup). 

Uncomfortable moment #1.

Uncomfortable moment #1.

Date #1: Carly

There are some pretty uncomfortable moments during Chris and Carly’s date to visit a love and intimacy mentor (AKA sex guru), including the date card which says “Let’s come together” (HAHAHAHAHA). They spend a lot of time staring deeply into each other’s eyes and touching lightly and exploring each other’s breaths and it’s just a super weird thing to do on a first date.

Uncomfortable moment #3

Uncomfortable moment #3

At one point the mentor lady instructs them to take off each other’s clothes as if they are shedding layers from prior relationships and both Carly and Chris finally put a stop to it when it comes time to remove his pants. I will say this for this date: it allowed Chris and Carly to skip over the small-talk bullshit and get right to the guts of getting to know each other. They were put into a situation where they had to be truly vulnerable with one another and while I wouldn’t recommend this as a first date activity for just anyone, I guess on The Bachelor it’s ok.

Uncomfortable moment #3

Uncomfortable moment #3

I could go into a rant about Carly’s insecurities about being intimate (because of an ex-boyfriend who refused to touch her) and Chris’ insecurities about his job and lifestyle being looked down on by the outside world, but instead, I’m just going to say: good on them for actually sharing something real (or should I say, good on the producers for actually showing them share something real).

Chris was pretty excited to have Whitney next to him on their little rafting excursion.

Chris was pretty excited to have Whitney next to him on their little rafting excursion.

Date #2: Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, McKenzie, Kelsey, Ashley I., Becca, Samantha (WHOOOOO?)

The first part of this date would be super fun to go on (white water rafting on the Rio Grande) but it’s super boring to watch. Here are the few highlights:

  • Megan thinks the Rio Grande may be full of alligators or dead bodies.
  • Kelsey continues to be pissy about not getting a one-on-one and having to be outside (I’m starting to think she may be a vampire and the sun really hurts her)
  • Jade falls in the water and has some kind of medical condition that sends her body into hypothermia immediately when she gets cold so Chris spends all sorts of time rubbing her feet to get her circulation going again and the rest of the girls complain that she’s hogging all his attention even though Jade’s basically the sweetest.
The moment that Jordan ruins everything!

The moment that Jordan ruins everything!

The really juicy stuff doesn’t start until the cocktail party. Do you remember Jordan from a few weeks ago? She was sent home during the second episode because she was basically drunk the entire time she was on the show and Chris was unimpressed. Well, Jordan has driven from Colorado or Utah (I forget which) to ask Chris for a second chance. Because Chris has no balls, instead of saying “Hey, thanks for driving all this way, but I don’t really have that connection with you and it wouldn’t be fair to the other women who I have developed feelings for”, he walks into the cocktail party (after making the girls wait for a significant amount of time) with Jordan on his arm. Will it surprise you to find out that the other ladies are unamused? The girls spend their entire time with Chris talking about how pissed they are that he gave Jordan a second chance. Ashley and Whitney sort of get into it because Ashley is a child and goes straight to calling Jordan a bitch and Whitney is an adult and can admit that while she’s not happy Jordan showed up, she’s impressed by her courage to do so. Chris ultimately sends Jordan home and she accepts it gracefully, but the cocktail party was a total waste of time.

Ashley's face speaks volumes.

Ashley’s face speaks volumes.

He gives the date rose to Whitney and tells her in front of everyone that he’s excited about their potential which seems like a pretty big endorsement of their relationship in this kind of a setting. Ashley, of course, freaks out and starts to cry because she thinks that her relationship with Chris is just so much better and stronger than his relationship with Whitney. I’m seriously so sick of this girl. She’s so melodramatic, she’s not interesting, she seems to be the complete opposite of someone who could actually live a life on a farm and she used the phrase “I wanted to do my full Kardashian look tonight”. Basically, Ashley is the worst.

TheBachelor-ABC-Season19-Ep5-britt-chris3Date #3 – Britt

We learned a couple of things about Britt during this episode: #1 She’s so afraid of heights that the date card’s message of “the sky’s the limit” made her cry. #2 Apparently she doesn’t shower, which I find really hard to believe because her hair looks so good all the time – never greasy or frizzy. #3 She puts on a fresh coat of makeup before she goes to sleep – you know, just in case.

TheBachelor-ABC-Season19-Ep5-britt-chris2That last thing came in handy on Monday because Chris woke her up before dawn (along with all the other girls sharing a room with her. Including Carly who was really unamused by their kissing noises) to take her hot air ballooning. (That is a cool date. Hey, future man who loves me, please take me up in a hot air balloon.) Chris notes something about how she even looks good first thing in the morning which makes all women laugh and laugh until they cry when they think about the unsustainable beauty standards crazy people like Britt make into expectations. Anyway, ballooning is fine (she get’s over her fear of heights pretty quick) and then they go back to his suite where they have lunch and make out and then “take a nap” behind closed doors. Also, while they’re gone, Ashley tells all the girls that Britt said she likes being single and is in no hurry to get married and have kids while the editors splice in Britt telling Chris that she wants a hundred babies.

Kelsey tries to squeeze out some tears for Chris.

Kelsey tries to squeeze out some tears for Chris.

Hearing that Britt and Chris “napped” together turns Kelsey into a full-blown crazy person. She surprises him in his room because she sees all the time the other women are getting with him as a threat to her relationship with him. To that I say: what relationship? But whatever. Kelsey goes ahead and tells Chris her sob story: she met a guy (named Sanderson, which, I’m sure he was lovely, but that’s a horrible name) at 19 and they fell in love immediately and got married and he died suddenly of congestive heart failure about 18 months ago. You can literally see her desperately trying to squeeze out some tears before awkwardly making out with Chris.

Crazytown, population: Kelsey

Crazytown, population: Kelsey

The best part of this whole scene is what she says in her interview: “I’m just — Oh. Isn’t my story amazing? It’s. . . tragic. But it’s amazing. I love my story. . . I know this is a show about Chris, but this is my love story, too. This is the unfolding of somebody who’s been through something so tragic, and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and into another relationship, and I’m so glad that, like, the first kiss is something that can be written in the storybooks. And hell, yes, I’m getting a rose tonight. Stay tuned, Monday nights at 8, the love story unveiled.” SHE HAS GONE TO CRAZYTOWN.

This is Chris' emotional face.

This is Chris’ emotional face.

At the cocktail party before the rose ceremony, all of the girls notice that Kelsey seems very cavalier and relaxed for someone who doesn’t have a rose yet. Kelsey had intended for her little meeting with Chris to stay a big secret, but he blows up her spot immediately upon entering the room and tells all the girls about their emotional conversation. I don’t really understand what happens next but Chris gets very emotional talking about it and leaves the room.

I think it's physically impossible for Britt to not be touching another person at all times.

I think it’s physically impossible for Britt to not be touching another person at all times.

Meanwhile, Kelsey sort of holds court and talks very dramatically about how he knows what he needs to do and how  sad she’ll be to say good-bye when “someone” goes home. Eventually Chris Harrison actually does something to earn his big paychecks and tells the girls that there won’t be a cocktail party before the rose ceremony because Chris has already made up his mind. The girl’s are all very worried, Ashley starts to cry because “now it’s a big comparison game of sad stories” and hers isn’t as sad as Kelsey’s so obviously Chris isn’t going to pick her, and Kelsey gets up and leaves. The last shot of the episode is Kelsey, lying on the ground, crying and having a panic attack while being attended to by a nice medic named Diane. dun Dun DUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNN.

Apparently, this is "Samantha". I think they even let her say something this episode.

Apparently, this is “Samantha”. I think they even let her say something this episode.

In other words, no rose ceremony this week which is a super bummer because I’m ready to trim more fat – I’m calling the top 6 as Britt, Carly, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Becca, & Jade – let’s just get to the choosing already.

Sorry for the late recap. It won’t happen again. :)

xo

D

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