Dear Susan: The Bachelor is not shy with his kisses

Dear Susan,

The journey to love is fraught with peril.

The journey to love is fraught with peril.

First of all, I was wrong. Crazy cruise ship singer (with the pink, hand-held karaoke machine) DID get a rose. Apparently I have to pay closer attention now. *Photo at right is not her.

Secondly, I don’t think I mentioned this last week, but at the end of the last episode one of the women who didn’t get a rose (Kimberly, 28 years old, Yoga Instructor) turned around during her exit interview and walked back into the house to interrupt Chris and the 22 women he did give roses to. She asked him for a second chance, claiming that she really feels strongly about him and feels like they didn’t even have a first chance to talk. I think that is really admirable on one hand because that takes guts, but also kind of lame because dude, suck it up, you didn’t get a rose. That’s the way life goes. Move on. Chris is a sucker and gives her a second chance to get to know him and of course all of the other women are pissed (because this season of women seem particularly possessive this early on).

So, 23 girls. This season is going to take FOREVER.

tumblr_ni3d2guBjq1rt54mko1_400While giving the girls the first date card, Chris Harrison fully encourages them to sneak over to Farmer Chris’ abode which is just down at the end of their driveway. Jillian (she of the aggressive death threats last week) and Megan (I have no idea who she is yet) take him up on the invitation immediately and break into his house while he’s not there. It’s so weird. Megan puts on his motorcycle helmet and keeps ramming her head into the walls. The only reason I’m telling you this is because the gif is so amazing.

Why does Chris get a sweatshirt?

Why does Chris get a sweatshirt?

Date #1: Jade, Ashley I., Mackenzie, Kimberly, Tara and Tandra

This date is so lame, Susan. SO lame. First they go to some roof-top pool Downtown, then they make the girls walk around in their bikinis getting honked at by the lovely citizens of Los Angeles before they have a tractor race for extra time with Chris. The tractor race is not really a race so much as an exercise in patience as those things move about 1 mile an hour (however, I’m pretty sure they used some variation of the Footloose chicken race music so it’s kind of a win). Ashley I. (we will know more about her by the end of this episode. BELIEVE me) gets the extra time and they spend it awkwardly sitting together on a tractor.

Tractors do not move quickly, but Ashley I. does! (ba dum bum)

Tractors do not move quickly, but Ashley I. does! (ba dum bum)

Then Chris goes back to the rest of the girls and instead of giving out the date rose and moving onto the one-on-one portion of the date, he tells the girls he wants to get to know Mackenzie (21 years old; Has a son) better and sends the rest of them home. It’s really really weird and uncomfortable and weird (I know I said weird twice. That’s how weird it was). He and Mackenzie go to a bar where they have really terrible banter about how she loves his big. . . nose and asks him if he believes in aliens all before admitting that she has a son named KALE (did I mention she is 21 years old??). They really have zero chemistry but he’s an idiot so he gives her the date rose. Oh, and when Mackenzie gets back to the house she gives the rest of the women dating the same guy as her a kiss-by-kiss recap of their one-on-one time. The ladies are not appreciative of this debrief.

Megan's reaction to getting the first one-on-one date with Chris.

Megan’s reaction to getting the first one-on-one date with Chris.

Date #2: Megan (yup, the helmet wearing weirdo)

First of all, when Megan first gets the date card she don’t seem to recognize that it’s a date card. I can’t tell if she’s playing stupid for the cameras or if she’s really an idiot. Regardless, she gets an awesome date – they take a private jet and then a helicopter to the Hoover Dam and Grand Canyon.

That view doesn't suck.

That view doesn’t suck.

 

I mean, if you’re gonna be on The Bachelor, that’s the kind of date you’re hoping for. This date is so boring though (that’s 2 boring dates in a row). She tells the story of how her dad passed away 3 days after she was invited to audition for the show (which is sad, yes, but ugh with sharing it on TV) and then they make out. Chris has no taste in women.

The Bachelor and the his dates are ready to paintball-kill some zombies.

The Bachelor and the his dates are ready to paintball-kill some zombies.

Date #3: A million people go on this date. There’s no point in trying to list them.

Ok, this date (like the activity part of it) is pretty awesome: they get to shoot people dressed as zombies with paintballs! I mean, that seems like so much fun. The girls sort of play up the “I’m so scared, please save me Farmer Chris” angle at the beginning and there’s lots of screaming (except for crazy Ashley S. who sort of stares blankly out of the limo window) but as soon as they find out they get to shoot stuff they all go ninja/spy tough. The women literally turn off their “damsel in distress” mode and turn on “kick ass” mode. I am unsettled by this.

Ashley S. goes full-blown nutso.

Ashley S. goes full-blown nutso.

Outside of shooting zombies with paintballs, the only thing that really happens on this date that’s of any interest is that Ashley S. goes full on crazy and starts speaking in fragmented sentences that don’t make any sense and it’s actually kind of worrisome. She keeps saying that she feels like she’s in “Mesa Verde” and asking if they are in a dome. It is kind of alarming. Farmer Chris himself even seems concerned and it looks like he sends her home from the date a little early.

Bachelor-2015-Episode2-Britt-ChrisAlso of note, I like Kaitlyn more now (especially when she says that no one should give Ashley S. a weapon, including a wet noodle) but during her one-on-one time with Chris, she talks about how she put her life on hold for her last boyfriend to move to Germany with him last year and yet, here she is doing just that again. To top it all off, if things do “work out” between her and Chris she would have to move to Iowa and live with him on his farm. I know in some of these Bachelor relationships that’s not always the case, but that’s been kind of implicit from the start with Farmer Chris. He makes out with her anyway. Then he and Britt have their alone time. I like Britt too though my friend N. thinks she’s an actress, so I’m trying to withhold judgement. They make out too and when Chris gives the date rose to Kaitlyn, Britt becomes the first girl to cry because it’s so hard dating someone who is dating 22 other women at the same time (no shit Sherlock).

It's not cute.

It’s not cute.

The biggest revelation at the rose ceremony is that Ashley I. (she “won” the tractor race earlier in the day)  is a virgin and Mackenzie is OBSESSED with this fact. She literally cannot understand how someone could be a virgin at 26 and thinks that Chris is just going to find that totally irresistible because all men want to deflower a virgin. Her perception of men and what they find attractive about women is  disturbing but aligns with the fact that she has a son at 21. Then Ashley does this weird thing where she gets Chris to rub her genie lamp belly button ring and they awkwardly make out and everyone is watching and it gives me the creeps.

This is not at the rose ceremony, but it's pretty much what Jordan looked like for the entirety of the episode.

This is not at the rose ceremony, but it’s pretty much what Jordan looked like for the entirety of the episode.

Drunk Jordan gets drunk again (I think she was drunk in every talking head she did this episode) and embarrassingly tries to make out with Chris – it doesn’t work, which is surprising considering that all Amber has to do is ask and she’s in like flint.

He gives roses to 18 women this week and sends Tara, Tandra, Kimberly (the girl who got the second chance), Drunk Jordan, and Alissa (who I literally don’t know anything about). Tara takes it the hardest and is blubbering about how she ALWAYS gets rejected and how it ALWAYS ends in heartbreak for her. I feel no sympathy. You’re 26. Get a grip.

In conclusion, Chris had 2 group dates, 1 one-on-one, rode in 1 private jet and 1 helicopter, kissed 5 women (Mackenzie, Ashley I., Britt, Kaitlyn, & Amber), gave out 18 roses and this happened to Jillian. Couldn’t have happened to a “sweeter” girl.

Bachelor-2015-Episode2-Jillian1

Bachelor-2015-Episode2-jillian2

Bachelor-2015-Episode2-jillian3

 

xo

D

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